Clueless

while i'm writing this post... I've been doing a lot of thinking..and honestly, i don't know what kind of feeling this is.For sure there are some regretfulness..and no doubt i'm writing this with the feeling of sadness.i'm so clueless.i'm still searching for my identity, who i am and why am i breathing and standing in this beautiful world...i still dont get it. i've faith and YES, im a Muslim..Islam is my religion but am i doing my responsibilities as a Muslim? i still asking that to myself.

i believe the existence of god..and i've faith that there is only and the only god exist is ALLAH and He is the Almighty one. I believe in Him..but there are something that i regret is im not doing my responsibilities to Him. i admit that i was raised in the best way by my parents..but still i feel that im lacking of something and definitely knowledge of my own religion..but still i can read Al Quran, i do fasting during Ramadhan, BUT i keep asking myself..WHY am i still doing something that againsts my own religion and not doing my responsibilities as a Muslim. I respect my own religion and seriously im being envious with some of my friends that doing the responsibilities of a Muslim and thats make me think why i cant do the same thing..i realize and feel regret..i feel ashamed with my other religion's friend also..some of them have been asking me..am i a Muslim.they said they never see me doing solat and those other thing..

I want to change.i really do...but everytime im trying to change there is also something that told me not to and making me doing something that againsts His will. i need someone to guide me to be a better person..its not that i want to be an ulama or what..its just enough to fullfill my responsibilities as a Muslim like doing solat and live my life in a better and more Islamic way.Truthfully, i've done something that im not proud of before this..i want to change that and to do so just need someone to guide me,force me or anything that will make me do my responsibilities as a Muslim.At least doing my solat.i just really want to change...i feel so clueless right now and to be frankly im writing this with the feeling of sadness...